Then and Now

When I was a child and I used to get sick I was the most impatient person ever. I just wanted something to do to take away the boredom! It didn’t matter if I was sick I could still play with toys, or paint, or build something, or write a story, or ride my bike, right?

The acknowledgement that when you are sick you have to rest and just ‘do nothing’ until you get better was unbearable, especially if you were ill for days at a time. But then, when after what felt felt like forever you finally got better, it made seeing your friends and playing with your favourite toys and climbing trees even more exciting.

Growing up you don’t ever picture illness as part of your life. When someone asks you to describe where you will be in 10 years time the usual response is ‘married’, ‘house’, ‘job’, ‘kids’ or maybe ‘travelling’, ‘fame’, ‘fortune’!

The realisation for me that a great deal of my adulthood at the moment is plagued by illness is not easy to accept- In fact it’s the emotional equivalent to treading out of your depth in shark infested waters. And compared to some, I have it very easy!

One of the things that is difficult to come to terms with is the loss of the life I used to have. I used to take for granted being able to swim in the sea, go for a jog, play rounders, go clubbing, eat meals out, dance, go for long walks, take day trips away, sing and laugh.

In reality I can still do many of these things but I pay a heavy price for it. I have to make the decision: If I do this now am I prepared to be unwell for a few days afterwards?

The difference is that I  used to be able to do all of these things in one day; now I’m lucky if I can do 2 of these things in a week.

But that’s OK, because that’s just where my body is at the moment.

The silver lining…

One thing I’m trying hard to believe is that everything has a silver lining and there is a little bit of good in every situation even if sometimes you have to look very hard to find it. I’m trying to use my time being unwell to really appreciate the things that I can do. Things that I never would have appreciated before- Just like when I was little and eager to get playing with my toys after not being able to play for a while.

Whilst I most certainly am grieving for life I used to have, I am feeling thankful for the experiences I had whilst being well. And I feel appreciative that I took so many photos of the good times I had.